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A D V I C E A N D I N F O R M A T I O N : T I P S F O R P A R E N T S A N D F A M I L I E S
Raising a respectful child
Dr. Steve Maybell has been counseling youth and families for nearly three decades, but his early years as a dad were typical of any parent. He couldn't figure out why his two sons were so openly defiant of his authority, why his attempts at discipline turned into power struggles.
He was never like that as a child. All his dad had to do was mention something and he did it.
"I tried the same parenting style as my dad, and it wasn't working," said Maybell, former director of counseling programs at Youth Eastside Services, one of the largest providers of counseling and prevention programs for youth in King County. Furthermore, many of the parents he met through his work related the same frustrations.
Maybell decided to do some research. His discoveries are detailed in a highly-regarded parenting book, co-authored with Drs. Gary and Joyce McKay and Daniel Eckstein, called, "Raising Respectful Kids in a Rude World: Teaching Your Children the Power of Mutual Respect and Consideration," (Random House, 2001).
A second, follow-up book he co-authored with Gary McKay, "Calming the Family Storm: Anger Management for Moms, Dads, and All the Kids," is due out from Impact Publishers this fall.
Not surprisingly, Maybell discovered a multitude of reasons why kids today don't respond to authority in the same way as kids of yesterday. But the most important is what Maybell calls "the democratic revolution."
The end of World War II marked the breakdown of the hierarchical leadership style that dominated most social institutions, from government to marriage, he said. That power-based model, which continues in the military, was established out of necessity when vulnerable humans had to compete and fight to survive, he said.
Since the 1940s, most top-down systems have been replaced by more democratic structures: in government, in the workplace, and in race and gender relations.
"Equality is in the air. It's part of the very fabric of our culture," Maybell said. "And our children breathe the same air."
Gone are the role models that once taught children to be compliant and obedient. Today's youth are more likely to see themselves as equal than subservient, Maybell said.
"What happens now when you apply the old traditional toolbox of rules, punishments and rewards is a tremendous amount of tension, resistance and rebellion," he said. "Today's child thinks, 'If you have the right to punish me, then I have the right to punish you.'"
A more democratic-egalitarian society calls for a more democratic parenting style based on mutual respect, he says. Think workplace or marital relationships, in which adults sit down and mutually solve problems through compromise and negotiation. It takes more time, but it's worth it, he says.
Maybell points out that he isn't advocating a complete surrender of authority. Parents still need to protect and discipline their children and take responsibility for their development. What's different, he says, is how they do it.
He offers the following tips for parents who get no respect:
Look for ways other than rewards to motivate children. Rewards result in a "what's-in-it-for-me?" attitude. Offer choices. Instead of commanding your 3-year-old daughter to put on her pajamas now, ask her if she wants to do it now or after the television program is over.
Consequences should be logical and relevant to the misbehavior. If your 7-year-old son left his bicycle outside, it doesn't make sense to take away computer time, but it does make sense to take away the privilege of riding his bike for a week.
When traditional forms of discipline aren't working, many parents raise the volume, increase control and step up punishments, but that only makes matters worse. Try to discipline employing the three Rs, with respect (not anger), relevance (not arbitrary punishments) and reasonableness (one week of a lost privilege vs. one year).
Anger often masks deeper feelings of hurt, fear and disappointment. Talking to your children about what's beneath the anger, once you've both calmed down, is much more effective and respectful.
Finally, parents who are experiencing serious behavior problems with their children may need outside help. YES offers family counseling as well as parenting education programs. For more information, call YES at 425-747-4937.
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