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A D V I C E A N D I N F O R M A T I O N : T I P S F O R P A R E N T S A N D F A M I L I E S
Help teens avoid dating violence
Help teens avoid dating violence
For teens, dating is part of growing up. For moms and dads, it's part of letting go.
Like it or not, parents can't shield their sons and daughters from the risks of entering close relationships, but they help their teens recognize what's healthy and what's not, experts say.
"Part of the developmental task of being a teen is to learn to separate from their family and form healthy relationships," says Belinda Lafferty, supervisor of the RESPECT teen dating violence program at Youth Eastside Services (YES). "The way to practice that is to date."
Unfortunately, all too many young people also learn that dating can lead to abuse and violence. One out of four teens will experience abuse in a dating relationship by the age of 18, Lafferty said.
Victims of such abuse are more likely to turn to drugs, develop eating disorders or commit suicide, according to a 2002 study.
While a parent's first instinct may be to protect their dating-age children from abuse by forbidding the relationship, that tactic usually backfires, pitting parents against teens at a time when they need more than ever to talk, Lafferty said.
Better to keep the lines of communication open so that teenagers feels comfortable coming to their parents for help when they are ready, she added.
Furthermore, it's important to talk about safety early and often. Most of the teens Lafferty sees are dating one-on-one by the age of 13, with or without their parents' knowledge.
If abuse occurs, parents should consider counseling, both for victims and perpetrators, she says. YES provides individual counseling as well as support groups for victims of dating violence.
The agency also goes into area schools with RESPECT (Relationship Equality and Safety: Peers Educating Community Teens), a program that trains high school students to talk to other teens about preventing and resolving violence in dating relationships.
The outreach program has served some 50,000 young people since it was formed 11 years ago by YES in collaboration with the Eastside Domestic Violence Program in response to an increasing number of teenage abuse calls, Lafferty said.
She offers the following advice for parents of teens about to take the important developmental step of dating:
- Teach teens to protect themselves by making them aware of the issues involved in dating violence. Brainstorm ways of handling different situations.
- Teach your children to stand up for themselves while respecting the rights of others. Practice things to say.
- Model productive ways to resolve conflicts, using honest communication, a willingness to listen, compromise and problem-solving.
- Challenge attitudes and images that condone violence in intimate relationships. Critique what you see in the media and point out that violence is never justified.
- Highlight healthy relationships in which partners respect, support and trust one another. Point out the characteristics of such relationships, including open communication, shared decision-making and the maintenance of friends and interests outside the relationship.
- If you suspect your teen is a victim of abuse, don't assign blame or put him or her in a position of having to defend the relationship. Instead ask questions that help the teen come to his or her own conclusions.
- Encourage teens to have a safety plan. They might, for example, list the people they can call for help or take a self-defense class.
- Parents who suspect their teens of abusing others should get them to think about the behavior and why they feel the urge to act out that way. Debunk any myths they may have and talk about the serious consequences of abuse for both partners. Finally, keep the victim and his or her family informed about the whereabouts and mood of the perpetrator.
To find out more about the dating violence programs at YES, call 425-747-4937.
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