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A D V I C E A N D I N F O R M A T I O N : P A R E N T I N G A D V I C E
Economy got you down? Don’t be afraid to involve the kids
Our kids don’t pay mortgages, buy groceries or have stock portfolios. Most wouldn’t know subprime from prime rib, but they’re not immune to the economic crisis that’s plaguing the rest of us.
Certainly, a home foreclosure or job loss affects the entire family. Those who were already living paycheck to paycheck may find themselves having to move to less expensive housing or double up with other family members in too-small apartments.
Upheavals like that can be traumatic for all involved, particularly children, who lack their parents’ outlets for expressing stress.
Middle- to upper-income families may not feel the economic downturn so acutely, but they likely will face belt-tightening choices that no one likes, least of all children accustomed to getting what they want.
“These kids are in for a real rude awakening when they have to change their lifestyle,” says Bertie Conrad, who coordinates school-based counseling here at Youth Eastside Services.
By all means, she says, talk about bills, responsible credit card use and the bottom line. Teenagers will appreciate being pulled into these “adult” discussions as long as it is done in a constructive and developmentally appropriate way.
A budget-cutting exercise also can be an opportunity for parents and children to decide as family what their priorities and values really are. Maybe they don’t eat out quite so much or engage in so many activities. Maybe the family vacation will be closer to home this year.
Particularly with Christmas coming up, now’s a good time to sit down and talk about what really matters. Is it the family being healthy and whole and together? Or getting an iPhone?
If your son must have the iPhone, let him work towards buying it himself. A part-time job can teach a teen critical life skills, including time management, how to cooperate with others and the relationship between work and money, wants and needs.
I know of one 16-year-old who gives a third of her pay to her parents for “rent”. That’s an extreme example, but not unique among the families we see.
While I don’t advocate that kids earn their keep, I do think many of them can help pay for some of their own expenses (clothes, gasoline and entertainment) provided they’re not working too much. If they’re sleeping through their first class because they just worked the night shift, that’s too much. School needs to come first.
A child who’s too young to hold down an outside job can do extra chores around the house to earn money. Depending on the child’s age or maturity level, he or she can also participate in some family decisions. Try to make these meetings fun, not grim reality lessons.
Our children simply aren’t equipped to carry our anxieties on top of the insecurities they’re already feeling.
Young children (elementary-age and younger) need reassurance that they’re going to be cared for and their basic needs will be met. That means we parents have to take care of ourselves, managing our own emotions and stress so we don’t end up burdening our kids.
While we’re at it, we might also convey the message that there’s no shame in using available community resources in times of need, whether it’s Value Village or the free-and-reduced lunch program at school.
Above all, we need to talk to our children. Whether we realize it or not, they’re affected by the uncertainties of the economic crisis even if they don’t understand what’s causing it.
Be realistic, but positive as you explain in age-appropriate terms what’s happening with the world and your own family. Help your children express their feelings, and solicit and welcome their ideas.
The satisfaction of contributing to the family good can be a powerful balm for insecurity, economic and otherwise.
Parenting Lifeline is a monthly column in Reporter newspapers by Patti Skelton-McGougan, executive director of Youth Eastside Services.
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