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A D V I C E A N D I N F O R M A T I O N : P A R E N T I N G A D V I C E
Blending families isn’t always smooth, but challenge well worth it
Given my professional background, I thought I might be more prepared than most to become a stepparent.
I was wrong.
With my own marriage, my own stepchild, my own home, it was a brave new world. Almost four years ago, when I got married and became instant stepmom to my husband’s teenage daughter, I found myself feeling like the novice.
I had my expectations and rules. My husband and stepdaughter had theirs. They had an established way of doing things, and I didn’t know where I fit or what my exact role should be.
I was learning how to be married and how to be a parent at the same time. I couldn’t just be my stepdaughter’s friend like I had been when my husband and I were dating. Now we were under the same roof, and it was awkward at times.
I remember the first time it hit me that my role had changed. She was going to her first formal dance and had invited several other couples over for photographs. Before I knew it, I had 12 or 15 teenagers trooping through the house.
‘Oh my God, who’s in charge here?’ I thought. Then I realized: I am.
In a blended family, everybody – the stepparent, the birth parent, the children – has to adjust to a new dynamic.
Lori Marro Homes, a family counselor with 20 years experience in parent education here at Youth Eastside Services, says that one of the most common mistakes couples make is to assume that, because they love each other, the stepchild will automatically be on board.
But children often feel emotionally torn and may hold back their affections for the stepparent out of loyalty to the other birth parent.
Here’s some key advice from Lori as well as a few things I’ve learned:
- Communication of expectations before marriage can go a long way to heading off problems afterwards. Soon-to-be blended family members might want to sit down with a family counselor or even a guide book.
- The birth parent and stepparent need to establish between themselves what their respective parenting roles should be. The child needs to know from the start what authority the stepparent has.
- Comments like, “You’re not my parent,” hurt, but don’t take them personally. They’re usually the child’s way expressing anger or pain. Avoid a power struggle by telling the child why you’re asking him to do a certain thing: because you care.
- Don’t rush the relationship. Look for moments when your stepchild wants to talk and let her know you’ll be there. Remember that stepchildren, particularly those moving between two households, are under a lot of stress, too.
I’ve learned from my own experience that, while I love my stepdaughter dearly, I will never be her mom. I will always be her stepmom, and that’s okay.
I can still be an important role model. I can still cheer at her soccer games, clap at her graduations and help her get through the bumps in life. I can still watch her grow. As challenging as parenting can be, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
‘Parenting Lifeline’ is a monthly column in the Bellevue Reporter newspapers by YES Executive Director Patti Skelton-McGougan. For more information call 425-747-4937 or ChristianB@YouthEastsideServices.org
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